How and When to Have “The Talk” with Your Son

**Author’s Note: I originally wrote this post almost six years ago, and since that time, the statistics have only gotten worse. We’ve moved from simple devices to help them learn music to the battle for phones, and the need for parents to create conversation around the topic of The Talk has only increased. This battle is as relevant as ever. Please read on.**

For the past nine years, “God takes a little piece of mommy, and a little piece of daddy, puts them together in mommy’s tummy and grows a baby!” has been enough to satisfy my boys on the topic of how babies are really made.

Not anymore.

About eight months ago, it became clear to me that if my husband and I wanted to be the ones to have “the talk” with our boys before anyone else got to it, the time was now.

You might be wondering why in the world I would want to have this talk with my boys at their young age (7 and 9).

My answer? Hal and Melanie Young, who wrote the amazing book Raising Real Men, say that if you wait until a boy is 10-11 years old, you’ve waited too long. Our boys have devices they use as a support to their violin lessons, and access to a monitored computer. They also use those devices to be able to carry their (completely safe) music with them everywhere they go.

With kids’ first pornography viewings averaging around age 11 or 12, it’s easy to see why time was ticking away for my husband and I to be what Hal and Melanie call “the firstest with the mostest.” (Related: We now have the Covenant Eyes filtering system installed on every device in our home, including mine, and highly recommend it).

I actually had a dream (nightmare?) in which the little girl who lives beside us was sitting in a tree describing the birds and the bees to my boys. Shudder.

I’ve worked hard to maintain open communication with my boys throughout their lives. There’s not much they won’t tell me, not too many questions they won’t ask. But you see, I found out about sex in the back of a minivan on the way home from a swim meet from a friend’s older sister who thought it her duty to educate all the younger girls. The way she talked about it made me feel ashamed and honestly, dirty, and I never told my parents it happened (surprise mom and dad!).

Not a word. No way.

I know from personal experience that hearing about something as sensitive as sex in the wrong way can make a child clam up. I personally felt as though I’d done something wrong by even listening to the conversation (in truth, I was way too young to know to leave, and probably couldn’t have if I’d thought of it), and at the time, wasn’t really in to confessing my failures to my mom and dad.

In addition to that, the way the world teaches our kids about sex today is just plain wrong. They’ll find out about the world’s views on sex soon enough, but I believe it’s my job as their parent to give them a biblical framework from which to understand everything that gets thrown their way.

So I immediately began searching for some material to guide me. I had a few basic requirements:

1.  Biblically accurate (of course).

2.  Not too graphic.

3.  Not above their comprehension level (in other words, appropriate for their age range)

4.  Correct terminology (no pet names).

5.  Coming from an overall framework of the goodness of God’s design, celebrating God and his gift to us.

6.  But also pretty straightforward. I wanted this to be an introductory stage, where we share the basics and expand on them later. Because we homeschooled at the time, I kind of wanted it to be like an expansion of our science curriculum, but one that celebrated God’s design of the human body and reproductive system).

So obviously, I took to the internet. After searching for options, I landed on a study by Luke Gilkerson called, The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. 

I’ve used many of Luke and Trisha’s materials over the years with my boys (we especially love their Write Through the Bible cursive series and their study on The Apostle’s Creed), and I trust them to provide solid, biblical studies that are perfect for children and families. The Talk is exactly what I was looking for.

“When it comes to the matter of teaching kids about sex, Christian parents are often confused about what to say and when to say it. The Talk is a series of 7 studies, all anchored in the Scriptures, that helps parents to talk meaningfully with children about sexuality. The Talk was written for parents to read with children ages 6 to 10 years old. The study supplies elementary-age children with foundational truths about sexuality at a level they can understand.”

Perfect.

We recently started going through the material over breakfast with our sons as a family. I purposefully chose a week to study this when I knew my husband would be home and able to join in. In fact, he’s been the one leading most of the discussions.

(Because we have all boys, it felt right to do it this way. I considered asking him to do the study alone with the boys, but ultimately decided against it because I want to keep the lines of communication open between me and my boys. Refraining from the study felt like I was communicating that there were some things off limits for mom, and that’s not the message I want to convey).

There have been some moments that made me want to hide under a rock…I won’t lie. My sweet little boys have been wide-eyed, fascinated, and disgusted all at the same time. There’s been some laughter, and some warnings to leave the responsibility of educating their friends to their friends’ parents. But overall, it really hasn’t been that bad. In fact, it’s actually been pretty good.

To me, that’s the mark of a successful study. Grab a copy of The Talk for your family, today!

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

Six years later, I still believe doing this study, The Talk, with my children set the stage for the ongoing conversations we have in our home about sex. Both of my children will talk to me and their father about these issues that many are afraid or embarrassed to talk about. As they’ve grown up, our conversations have changed, and the topics have become more vital, more real. They have only increased in importance, and I find myself so very grateful that we took the time to be “the firstest with the mostest” all those years ago.

If you’re in the stage of life where you need to begin having conversations with your kids about sex (or if you’ve already missed the early window, but know you need to backtrack and do it right) The Talk is for you.

SOMETHING TO PRAY

Father, I confess that I don’t feel ready for this task. I wish I could stick my head in the sand and avoid it, but neglect doesn’t bring glory toYou OR help my kids. Give me courage, wisdom, and strength as I seek You for this season. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

EXTRA PRAYERS

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.”

Hebrews 13:5, 6 “Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Ephesians 6:10 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.”